Ten Fingers, Ten Toes

I wrote this after Jaden was born - a letter to him

My Dear Sweet Son;

After such a long and enduring pregnancy that was far from easy emotionally and physically, I finally reached the day you were born. I had been in the hospital since the night before and was contracting continuously. With every contraction, your heart rate would drop and it made me very fearful of your safety. They opted to try to speed the process along, as you were obviously in distress and started me on cervadil at 9 that morning. I walked around and felt increasing contractions in pain and intensity. By around noon, I had decided I needed to get back to my room and focus on your arrival. About an hour later, I was in extreme pain. I wasn’t getting any break between contractions and was watching your heart rate drop below 80 on many occasions. I called for the nurse, realizing that I couldn’t take the pain any longer and requested anything. I had to wait for the doctor to check me, and he struggled as your water sac was literally coming out of me. Two other doctors later, they determined that I was around 7 centimeters and they broke my water, which was filled with meuconium. Your heart rate instantly dropped down to less than 60 beats per minute and they put me on oxygen. I was in so much pain, I could barely even function to tell them what I felt. I was so scared, I just wanted you to be out of me already so I could see you were okay. After trying desperately to figure out what was going on, they finally said it’s time for an emergency c-section. I didn’t contest, I didn’t protest. I was happy to have them finally do something other than leave me sitting feeling as if all hope was lost. They prepped me for surgery, handed me a form to fill out and sign, and within 10 minutes, we were laying in the operating room and they were putting me under general anesthesia. Two minutes later, they had you out of me, and you took your first screaming breath that I didn’t get to hear. My placenta had ruptured and you were no longer receiving the oxygen that you so desperately needed. I was told that you were a light shade of blue when you were born, but so very healthy, and big! They took you to the nursery and cleaned you up and kept you warm while I laid in recovery trying to come out of serious daze. Finally, around 530, they moved me to my room, which was difficult to say the least. I was able to hold you in my arms for the first time and I counted your fingers and toes. As each little finger I counted, my heart was filled with joy and tears streamed down my face. When I got to your little feet that had tortured me for so many months, I was balling at your last little toe when I knew you were perfect - Ten Fingers, Ten Toes.

The months have gone by and the first year of your life is gone. The memories are so vivid in my mind. I sit here now and hold your hands remember the size of those itty bitty fingers that once grasped mine. You have grown my son into an incredible boy. Today I recount the first time I saw your beautiful face, your sweet smell and most of all those ten fingers and ten toes that reassured me of your unique and perfect self.

Forever,
Your Mom